Past experiences have prevented me from pursuing a potential love life with a soulmate. Currently, and for far too long, there have been no prospects. But I also haven’t ventured into the outside world much, likely due to a fear of rejection. My experiences continue to reinforce the belief that I am the one who gets rejected—the one who provides practice for another. When a man sees me, he thinks to himself, “She’s not the one, but it was fun,” as if I’m some sort of measuring tape.

A few years ago, I made an observation that, unfortunately, was harsh and somewhat lonely. The statement flowed out like running water. Why would I put such a negative perception into the universe? Why would I even think, let alone say, “Every man I cared about is happier with their new love”? The sudden realization brings me to tears as I type this absurd statement. Aren’t humans supposed to experience lost love? Isn’t this part of the process to ensure we find the right mate? Am I that difficult? I’ve seen worse. Some women totally abuse their power to emasculate their male counterparts. I certainly don’t want to do that. But on the other hand, men seem to enjoy female dominance.

There’s a part of me that wants to change, just to keep a potential mate longer, but I can’t seem to figure out what I’m doing wrong. What is it about me that potential mates can’t handle? Why am I labeled as the “angry black woman”? I’m not at all angry. In fact, I consider myself quite loving. Then why, if I’m so loving, can’t I get that harsh statement out of my head from someone I once loved and thought loved me in return? Who in their right mind would utter such words? Why didn’t he just keep that thought to himself? That way, I wouldn’t have to second guess my confidence. The statement throbs in my head so intensely that every time a potential mate smiles in my direction, I quickly turn my head with disinterest. Then the negative thinking starts again: “If I had to choose again, I wouldn’t choose you” (DT, 2011). This statement solidifies my observations about my past relationships and how happy my former mates are without me. Maybe they thought the same but chose not to deliver the final heartbreaking blow. Am I that undeserving or unlucky in love?

Unfortunately, this upcoming Valentine’s Day, many individuals will suffer the same struggles as I am. Year in and year out, we accept our fate of not receiving the love we yearn for and believe we deserve. The plethora of dating websites proves there are many single males and females of dating age looking for love or simple companionship, yet they face continued rejection. Some of the popular sites include Zoosk, Our Time, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, Single Parents Meet, Black People Meet, POF (Plenty of Fish), and even Facebook Dating. I’m sure I missed a few.

As an older woman now settling into my middle-aged years, I realize how hard it is to find love. Reflecting on my past relationships, I accept responsibility for not trying harder. Especially since social media is perpetually waging a war between the sexes, watching everyone downplay a human’s true purpose and replace it with discontent. This is traumatic enough for me to consider hiding away for the rest of my natural life.

As I previously mentioned, “Every time a potential mate smiles in my direction, I quickly turn my head with disinterest,” I pondered what I could do to change this behavior. I compiled some steps to help me get back into the swing of meeting my potential soulmate. Did I mention that these steps on how to interact with the opposite sex took a few years to master? But I’m sure that if everyone starts implementing these simple steps, they will at least start feeling better, heal on the inside, and their confidence will begin to shine. Each step will have a brief explanation. Feel free to meditate on each one and practice the solution that resonates with your life.

Step#1–
• Smile at the opposite sex: “Smile; Why do you look so sad, baby girl?” I remember so many times hearing this statement from a gentleman. I would look up and realize that they were talking to me. Why wasn’t I smiling? Maybe I had nothing to smile about at the moment. But if you are consistently hearing the same statement throughout your daily travels, then maybe you should start changing your mindset. Before you leave your house every day, you should try to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Today I will have a good day”. If you practice smiling daily, you never know one day you might be giving a smile to your potential mate. Remember, no potential mate wants to approach someone who looks as if that person could “Chop” their head off.

Step#2-
• Give direct eye contact and speak: Remember growing up your parents would say “Look at me when I’m talking to you?” This statement holds true as adults. No one wants to speak to a person who’s always looking in the opposite direction of a conversation. You will appear disinterested. This behavior is a sure-fire way for your potential mate to walk away.

Step#3-
• Dress appropriately: Have you ever run out to do a quick errand and bumped into an old fling? The way you dress says a lot about you. Not everyone can afford the expensive garb. But at least you can look in the mirror to make sure you look like you’ve tried. You don’t want that fling to walk away thinking “Wow, what happened?” So please keep it together and age-appropriate. Ladies do not walk out of the house with a head scarf and PJs. Find a go-to wig if necessary. And men PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS UP. Remember you could meet that special someone today.

Step#4-
• Treat others around you with kindness and respect: In the days of advanced technology like cellphone devices with cameras and people constantly recording one’s every move. Why must I remind you of the cardinal rule? Treat others how you wish to be treated, with kindness and respect. Remember ‘Big Brother’ is always watching.

Step#5-
• Heal first: DISCLAIMER (I am not a licensed counselor/therapist, and I will not give medical advice) This blog is based on my personal life experience. If you are seeking help with emotional issues, please seek a licensed practitioner. The healing process from a past love is different for everyone. While some can easily move on from their finished relationship, others are left traumatized, and it can sometimes take years to heal. If you were the latter, then it’s time to seek help or if you have someone you can confide in, then it’s better to sort your past issues out before you can confidently move on to a new love.

Step#6-
• Don’t talk ill-will about your ex: Nothing kills a potentially new relationship than speaking ill about your past love. In addition to constantly talking about your past, do not compare your ex to your new mate or treat them as if you are still dating your ex. To speak ill-willed about your past relationships only proves that you are not healed and in turn, not ready for a new love.

Step#7-
• Practice your communication skills: Communication skills are the cornerstone to every new and already healthy relationship. To understand each other’s perspective, you must quiet yourself and just listen to what the other person is trying to communicate. You should be upfront and honest about what you need from your partner. Please do not assume your partner’s agenda or that they understand your needs. It can lead to resentment. Lack of communication can lead to fast arguments or even worse.

Step#8-
• Your future mate is not your money bag: Your potential mate’s income/ finances are not yours until there is an official union( Marriage). To expect monetary gifts……. (Well, who am I to judge). Establish your sense of self. Prepare yourself to be financially independent. That way, when the gifts arrive from your mate, it’s out of love and affection and not obligation.

Step#9-
• Be willing to bend but never lose your values: Do you find yourself always in control, being demanding and you never budge? It’s tiring, isn’t it? Why must every single second of your life go your way? Let me hit you with a dose of reality. There’s a saying “When you plan, God laughs.” No matter how detailed your life may be. Down to the nano-second. It can be altered in a blink of an eye. The same instance goes when you are trying to learn how to be with your partner. You may not agree with your partner’s decisions but sometimes it could be the better option. So, trust and compromise can bring a new mate closer.

Step#10-
• Be open and ready for love: Before starting this step, I need to state the obvious. If you claim to have ended a past relationship and are now searching for new love, you should not still be interacting with your ex unless there is a child involved. Both parties should remain civil to co-parent effectively. Otherwise, there is no rush to get to know your new and potential mate because you are still spending time with the previous one. In any case, this would be evidence that you have not really moved on and thus are not ready for someone new. To be opened to new love, you must completely sever ties from your past one. Your time should be dedicated to starting anew, learning from your past experiences, or in any case getting it right the next go around.

Reality is, without a significant other, life can be hard and no doubt, lonely. The Bible has scriptures referencing the importance of a mate. 2 Corinthians 6:14. talks about being equally yoked. Genesis 2:18 refers to how a man should not be alone. And lastly, Proverbs 18:22 mentions that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Even penguins stay together once they find their mate. So, we as humans could certainly make a better effort to connect.

**For more information on current dating websites, click on the links below**
https://www.top10bestdatingsites.com/
https://dating.zoosk.com/ (Holding at #1)
https://www.ourtime.com/
https://dating.christianmingle.com/
https://www.singleparentmeet.com
https://www.eharmony.com/
https://www.match.com
https://www.blackpeoplemeet.com/
https://www.pof.com/

 

Happy Valentine’s Day from yours truly,
That’s Cathy’s Perspective